I’ve got an appointment with a Counsellor who specialises in Gender Identity issues this Saturday. Probably no prizes for guessing who they are since it’s a very small world.
I’m not entirely sure why I made the appointment, to be honest, but it’s mostly to do with the fact that sometimes I wonder why I’m doing all this; the clothes, the make-up, the shoes, the Voice Coaching, the laser hair removal, the everything. My parents are fairly unsupportive of me and my mum told me “it’s all just playing ‘dressing up'”. Although I know she is wrong I suppose the seeds of doubt inevitably take root. Since I made the appointment I have come to realise that I love the clothes and everything so why the hell not, but it’s an awful lot of money that I’ve been spending and I suppose I have to question what my final goal is in all this. Once I have a convincing female voice and a hairless body, then what? What am I going to do with it? The journey is all very fun, but what is the destination? Am I really just playing ‘dressing up’ after all?
I guess it doesn’t help that I have a birthday coming up. Another year older, another year closer to the grave. And, of course, the inevitable musings on what one has achieved and whether the year that has passed has been of any worth. Also I have learned today that a good friend and ex-colleague has recently been found dead, very likely suicide (the title of this post is a dedication to him as it is a little joke we used to share), so I suppose my head (or ‘ma heeed’ as we used to call it) is not in the best place right now.