Cantbearseditis

I’ve been feeling rather blue lately.

On Friday night I was a rather down from a poor week, and had rather a lot to drink and filled Facebook and Twitter with a load of rubbish (much now deleted), then awoke on Saturday morning feeling contrite and a little hungover (but not as hungover as I deserved to be). I then spent the rest of the day moping around on the sofa listlessly watching television. Not exactly the most productive use of the day and did nothing to lift my spirits.

On Sunday it had been my intention to go in girl mode to another of Take Five’s fairs at Woking, this one being one of their Flea Market & Collectors Fairs. I woke in good time, fresh and breezy (I hadn’t drank the night before), but just felt a weight of blueness on me. A literal case of Cantbearsedness, so I stayed snuggled up under my duvet for a while watching a programme or two on BBC iPlayer. I watched the BBC adaptation of Professor Branestawm, adapted for television by Charlie Higson and starring Harry Hill, David Mitchell, Simon Day, Ben Miller and Miranda Richardson. It was very silly but quite fun, and I liked how the story revolved around Gender Roles which is a subject close to my heart as you know.

Eventually I dragged myself out of bed and really, honestly, could not summon up any enthusiasm to get into girl mode. Eventually, as a compromise, I made the effort to leave the house but in guy mode and drove over to Woking. Even that was an effort to do.

There were poor pickings at the Fair, although that could in part have been down to my frame of mind. There did seem to be an inordinate amount of tat, and also quite a lot of stuff I recognised from the previous fair, including the guy with the Dinky toys who still had the Captain Scarlett Pursuit Vehicle for sale. I considered messing with his head by having the exact same conversation I had with him last time about losing the rockets on a James Bond Lotus Esprit, but ultimately I decided this would be cruel and wouldn’t benefit anyone.

I did find a necklace stand with a dragonfly design on it with one seller though, which I bought. The seller was asking £5 for it and I didn’t have the cheek to haggle at that price. It’s a little short for necklaces but is ideal for my longer earrings with fish hooks and which hang down too far on my earring stand.

I then moved on to Camberley because I wanted to visit a large-ish branch of Boots to buy their eyelash growth serum which I have read good things about. My eyelashes are quite short and I would love them to be longer, and want to give it a go.

I was pretty hungry when I arrived so popped into Burger King, and it was from there that I made a rather sad tweet:

I really wasn’t in any mood to shop, and after I had got what I needed I returned home, and spent the rest of the day playing Video Games (I’m currently playing Far Cry 4) and watching telly again. The feeling of wasting an entire weekend didn’t do much to raise my spirits.

Today (Monday) my alarm went off at 6.30am as usual and I really just wanted to pull the duvet over my head and not emerge. But bills have to be paid, and work has to be done, so I got up and got ready for work.

I read some news, and picked up on the Telegraph articles that I mentioned in the blog post I posted earlier today, and indeed wrote that post.

Anyway, this rather rambling preface brings me to what is on my mind at the moment; namely, what is the point? Why do I bother with the whole ‘girl mode’ thing? From everything I read, I’m just opening myself up to misogyny and transphobia by pursuing this, although so far I have been pretty lucky on those fronts but only, I suspect, because all I tend to do at the moment in girl mode is go to fairs and go shopping, both of which aren’t exactly high risk activities (although I have been up to London several times in girl mode for Voice Coaching and been on the tube and the like). As I intimated in that tweet, I don’t exactly fill my life with activity and social interaction – I’m a little bit of a hermit at the moment. Maybe I’m just fooling myself here and I should just give it all up?

And yet… and yet… I do love the clothes, the accessories, the jewellery, the shopping, putting it all together and, yes, I confess that the nice comments I get on Flickr and Twitter are lovely and make me feel good.

Also, perhaps I should be grateful for the fact that I have the option of just pulling on any old clothes, not putting on any makeup, and not even bothering to comb my hair (such that I still have), and simply go out into the world without anyone so much as batting an eyelid at me, or judging me, or making comments about not having made an effort. Maybe I’m lucky to have the option of having a gender choice in the same way as owning multiple cars gives you the choice of which one you should drive today.

I’m not really sure why I’m down at the moment, or what I can do about it. We shall see.